for 22 September 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler What kind of a wrap was the Joey character eating in the first page of Suck on 8 September 1999? The one that could be seen in panels one through three, that wrap or burrito-like object he's holding there in those panels? Is it a burrito or one of those past-tense wraps? I actually think I invented the wrap back in 1988. No, really. I used to wrap all kinds of sandwiches and call them burritos — the falafel burrito, the Greek burrito with feta cheese, the pesto and chicken burrito. But everyone at the time thought I was particularly revolting and just avoiding eating with utensils. An idea as falsely representing possible profits as the content-driven Web site could have been mine if I were only understood in those heady (and big-haired) days. Now in 1999 it's common to see cartoon characters eating such wraps — although perhaps it's just some super-giant Frisco spring roll we can't get on the East Coast. And also, if all you're doing is writing, why do you get a vacation? I worked with an NT admin who took his laptop and cordless modem to the beach and continued working from there. We know because he took his round ball camera thingy there too. Didn't you just go on vacation and jot down things in your notebook or stock up on Mom quotes? If so, does that mean that Thanksgiving is your busiest workday of the year? Oh god, I shouldn't have brought up Thanksgiving, floating like a dangerous warning buoy in the midst of treacherous fall seas. Is Suck having a Thanksgiving dinner this year? Maybe you should — a chance for the people too filled with self-respect to subject themselves to parental disappointment. It's September and already my stomach is beginning to hurt. Why the hell did you have Joey eating a goddamn wrap anyhow? Don Smith <dsmith@qrc.com> You'll have to ask Terry what kind of thing Joey was eating, since I didn't specify what Joey should be eating for lunch when I sent him that strip. But I do suspect that's a hair he's picking out of it. As far as Thanksgiving goes, it sounds like you should really be focusing on actually being thankful this year. I'd do the same, but it would ruin Filler. Still an ungrateful jerk, Polly  Hey Polly, What is wrong with all of these people writing and dogging you out? See, to me, we're on the same team. Everyone else sucks except for us. All of these people writing in and bitching about a free once-a-week dose of vituperative wit need to get whatever is jammed up their asses surgically removed. I mean, I understand it for what it is ... the rantings of a bitter, sarcastic woman — and coming from me, that's a compliment! Post some mail that compliments you on your fine, "quick-like-cat" wit. If you don't have any, I'll be happy to hack something out for you at the cost of US$4.50 per letter. Let me know. Soon. I need to put this English degree to work somehow. Eternally, bitterly yours, Gregg Headrick <gregg@poochie.org> If you write something that other people don't think is funny, for some reason they feel compelled to point it out to you. Considering how few things are funny in the world, you'd think unfunny crap would be met with indifference — but no. Luckily, my parents' awful 15-year marriage and subsequent divorce taught me to thrive in hostile environments. Unlike, say, Kurt Cobain, whose parents' crappy relationship led him to develop a very sad outlook and an unnatural dependence on antacids, heroin, and big guns, the caustic words tossed around my household merely fertilized the tender seeds of thought in my young mind. Granted, there was a long stretch where I thought my dad's name was "son of a bitch." Ah, but I'm treading on well-trampled soil now. Dysfunction is well-nigh hilarious, isn't it? I've got to stop drinking this Creepy Time herbal tea. Polly Hit & Run Ke aloha no from Maui! So what's new? Almost 20 years ago, my brother, a specialist in catastrophe analysis, took his kids to a New England county fair, where they were going to ride the spinning chairs. While watching them load up, he noticed one of the welds on the ride was broken. Checking further, he found that all of them were broken. When he told this story to our mother, she said, "Tom, you didn't let them go on the ride, did you?" He replied, "I did a quick analysis and decided the ride wasn't likely to fail on the next run, so I let them go." And they all came back. I doubt whether that ride was ever inspected by anybody but my brother. Harry Eagar <heagar@aloha.net> Harry, God looks after drunks and little children. Yr pal, BarTel Miscellaneous How does one become a Suckster? Nothing my career guidance teacher ever said covered it! Seamus Sweeney <slinkyspringsupremo@yahoo.com> It takes a combination of bad luck and a lifetime of bitterness and frustration to become a Suckster. Judging from your naively upbeat tone, your giddily goofy email address, and the fact that you have a career guidance teacher, you've got a long way to go, baby. It's better this way. Trust us. Sucksters Kornheiser, Center of Controversy! A good deal of the point of Alan Kornheiser's email was said first by Mencken, and a lot more succinctly: "There are, to be sure, advantages in Union for everyone, but it must be manifest that they are greatest for the worst kinds of people. All the benefit that a New Yorker gets out of Kansas is no more than what he might get out of Saskatchewan, the Argentine pampas, or Siberia. But New York to a Kansan is not only a place where he may get drunk, look at dirty shows, and buy bogus antiques; it is also a place where he may enforce his dunghill ideas upon his betters." Robert L. McMillin <rlm@syseca-us.com> How dare you imply that anyone could express an idea more succinctly than Alan Kornheiser! Blasphemer! Sucksters East Timor Sucksters: Need help. Been Suck reader for couple years now. Need you to help with situation in East Timor. This is when people who actually give a shit need to band together. Is a Suck issue no doubt ... involves huge lies and the usual disregard for human life. Look forward to seeing the issue. Yours faithfully, Steve Wigney Sydney, Australia <swigney@c2.telstra-mm.net.au> Um, how are we supposed to help? By writing about it? Maybe you're a little bit too faithfully ours. But we do remain firmly against huge lies and the usual disregard for human life — don't get us wrong. At least, until the latest polls are in, at which point we might support both. Send your contributions for James Bong's campaign first, then we'll talk. Sucksters |
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