for 22 October 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Break the Mold Subject: Re: One-note nightmares You can provide support for your argument that one-shtick actors should stick to what they know (wow — thanks for bringing back the nightmare that was Joe Isuzu). You are, however, forgetting the terror of those who did stick to it: The Jim "Ya know what I mean" Varney, that sad old Lone Ranger (and Adam West), Martin Short. And Pee-wee DID wear his suit again at an MTV awards program, where he asked the crowd, "Heard any good jokes lately?" <jana@ umsl.edu> You've got a point. But then, think about it this way: Tiresome as Jim Varney's "Know what I mean" routine may have been, wouldn't it have been worse if he'd done King Lear instead? All right, actually Jim Varney doing Lear would be awesome. But you get the idea. Yr pal, BarTel  I liked Bill Murray in Razor's Edge. Even read W. Somerset Maugham's book and saw the old black-and-white version to compare. Liked Murray's better than the other two. Thought he did an outstanding job. Unfortunately, I know I'm one of the few. David Winberg <dwinberg@barr.com> You're actually right. But sadly, The Razor's Edge was a movie I saw with a then-girlfriend and had to pretend to be enthusiastic about because the girlfriend was a very poised and artistic soul. Thus it's always been a personal benchmark of the kind of self-censorship men will endure in the name of romance and domestic peace. And do we ever get any credit for it? Fuck no. When they find out we really don't like the things they like, they just see it as proof of our duplicity. We really have been Stiffed! Yr pal, BarTel Nice job on the Tony in Paris thing. You do some pretty good work. Keep it up. I don't know how you learned to write in Ebonics, since it's not part of the school curriculum anymore. Later, Trusty <trust01@gateway.net> We learned it all on the street, Trusty. Yr pal, BarTel Normally, I don't give a rat's ass about trivial inaccuracies in the online drivel I use to distract myself from work, but I had to let you know about a couple of errata in your Pee- wee Herman intro. It somewhat undermines the reasoning behind the rest of the piece. Pee-wee did an appearance at the MTV video awards. All he did was emerge onstage to a standing ovation. Then he said, "Heard any good jokes lately?" eliciting another raucous reaction from the crowd. "Yeah, so funny I forgot to laugh," was his response, and he exited. Paul Reubens was one of the featured vampires in the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer. His performance was a standout in an otherwise mediocre production. You shouldn't short him this role. So, your claim about typecasting is weakened by Pee-wee's MTV gig, and he breathed way more than life into Buffy. Check your facts next time if you're gonna base a whole column around them. Seedy Edgewick <seedyedgewick@mac-addict.com> Are you going to sit there and pretend that crepuscular walk-on and hammed-up death scene in the Buffy movie amounted to a performance worthy of comparison with even Reubens' small roles in Cheech and Chong's Nice Dreams or Cheech and Chong's Next Movie? That that one-off appearance on the MTV awards was anything more than a sad shade of the great Pee-wee Herman? Now I've heard everything. BarTel More ironic commentary Perhaps I just need a higher dose of anti-irony in my multivitamin, but Jedediah Purdy and his aw-shucks wide-eyed earnestness smack of nothing more than Shamela and her precious "vartue." If I were a satirist/ marketing genius, I would write a book like Purdy's, make the talk-show circuit, and wait for someone to call my bluff (à la the Lingua Franca fracas a few years back). It seems that the best way to hop on the sincerity bandwagon is to take For Common Things: Irony, Trust, and Commitment in America Today seriously. Elaine McGirr <emmcgirr@artsci.wustl.edu> What makes you so sure Jedediah Purdy himself isn't pulling a big practical joke? Sucksters Hi Sucksters! Just a note ... I have been reading your magazine for more than a year and have found that recently, the quality of the humor of Suck has dropped off. The subject matter for the last couple of days is severely lacking in humorous content. Is it that your creativity is waning or is it just that all of your normally funny people are on vacation this week? Or is this problem terminal? I hope not. Previously, I held your humor in the highest esteem. Now, I must say I will have to cease recommending Suck as a perennial source of well-timed wit to people I know. Further, the easy-to-read format that is "normally" used by your organization (the one page with cartoons and a link to the next page) has digressed to a long-line format without many cartoons in between. This has only been for the last couple of days, but I am concerned. Obviously, the persons to whom you've been delegating the task of writing Suck are not up to your normally high standards. I just hope that these people are merely "substitutes" for the real thing. Yours, Darlene Mcpeek <peacefultrees@hotmail.com> We "substituted" our usual coffee with Folgers Crystals. We're returning to our usual high quality espresso roast in order to ensure that every day we stick with the all-cartoon format "normally" used by our organization. On 1 November, we will also be renaming Suck "The Cartoon Place." We think that has a little more zing. Thanks for your valuable feedback, and please continue to recommend Suck to those you know. Tell anyone who'll listen — and those who won't, darn it! It's people like you, Darlene, who make our new bag-lady direct bullhorn marketing program work! What an effective, efficient way to get straight into the faces of the demented denizens of our target demographic. "Normally" yours, the Sucksters Dear Suck, Please tell me about my favorite actor George Clooney! Hi there! I'm surprised you haven't taken the mainstream media to task over the reviews of Three Kings. Many say the film is daring since it chooses to criticize governmental Middle East policy, which much media is afraid to do. But can saying, "We didn't drop enough bombs" really be considered searing criticism of the handling of the Gulf War? I leave it to you folks! Enjoy your zine. Regards, Tom <tom.cmajdalka@intel.com> If you want searing criticism of Middle East policy, you'll have to go with The Clash's video for "Rock the Casbah." Three Kings may not be as profound a political commentary as people want to believe, but it's a pretty good hell-for-leather war movie, and definitely marks George Clooney's arrival as the Bob Crane of his generation. And the guy who tortures Dirk Diggler is a great actor; if you ask me, that guy should win the Mother of all Oscars! BarTel Hit & Run YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF SELLOUTS. Your bit on AllowanceNET.com is pretty much totally blatant advertising. It's obvious when you see the "Welcome Suck.com Reader" on the top of the AllowanceNET homepage. Don't you realize people read Suck for funny, pessimistic viewpoints, not blatant "click here and give them money" advertising? You should provide a disclaimer — "warning, completely fucking blatant advertising contained below" — before you go posting this !@#$!@#. Henry Koren <henry@epiccycle.com> Good work, Columbo. Everybody else just assumed the welcome message was put up by the people at AllowanceNET once they saw we had written about them. Only you figured out it's all part of an elaborate e-commerce partnership deal in which we insult their product, and in exchange they don't buy an ad. Very bleeding edge, very Net. We both lose a little on every transaction, but we're still hoping to make it up in volume. If only you, Henry Koren, crusading journalist, hadn't blown our cover. Gang (??) @ Suck: We appreciate the attention, BUT you disappoint me. GET IT STRAIGHT!!!! FIRST, we ARE NOT a site that funnels kids with a slice of financial PIE on mum and dad's platinum out into e-com freefall JUST so we can suck off a piece of that action. That business model is just flat-out slimy. And to think that YOU GUYS who seem smarter than the average bears were HIGH-HANDED and CAVALIER enough to ASSUME we were just another slinking carpetbagger in the fray — without ACTUALLY BOTHERING TO FIND OUT. In terms of our launch timing, hey, WE GOT LUCKY. It happens. Who would have known two years ago that this locus of interest would be RIGHT here, RIGHT now. We sure as hell didn't or it would have been MUCH easier to raise our seed funding. SECOND, we don't have mondo Nosey Bear surveys either ... like, at all. The only info we require during sign-up is birthdate/gender/ZIP, and that's so we can deliver tailored content to our users rather than bug them with a bunch of blinking banners ... like the one at the bottom of your frame. We're trying to experiment with doing things sanely, rationally, and respectfully in terms of e-biz. Problem? OTHER POINTS OF CONTENTION ... as for the site's design, blame AOL, 28.8-Kbps modems, and MTV. It's not my cuppa either, but the kids seem to like it. ... as for its "unhipness," blame the baying pack of child advocacy censors who obviously don't have kids, are delusional about kids #&151 usually portrayed by their blind insistence that THEIR little Cubby is a NICE young man when everybody at school knows the Cubster as a TOTAL player #&151 or are in it for the money/notoriety/bullying kicks. ... as for the site's alleged "earnestness," blame me. I think you may have overreacted A TAD, which IS understandable given the kiddie.com feeding frenzy out there right now. On a mega happy note: Intended or not, it does ROCK that our main page GIF (BTW, you guys did a GREAT reduction job!) was right smack at the beginning ... and as if THAT wasn't enough, you also gave us boldface AND a hyperlink. You were TOO good to us! Still friends? Patti <pbrestel@bigchange.com> Hey, all we know is our parents never let us look at the Internet because they're afraid we're going to meet perverts. They won't even give us an allowance. For us it's all walking five miles to school in the snow, rising at dawn to milk the cows, and going door to door for war bond drives. What do we know about credit cards? We're glad you liked the article though, and we're friends 4ever! the Sucksters |
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