for 17 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
|
|
Filler Dearest Sucksters, With regards to your Filler of 3 November 1999: Schizophrenia: disease Alcoholism: disease Homosexuality: not a disease I suggest you replace homosexuality with journalism. Yours in dysfunction, Dave Page <dave@generators.com> Ah, but you point out exactly the misperception we meant to scoff at by pointing it out. Now we feel scoffed at for pointing out something by merely pointing it out rather than by scoffing at it openly in addition to pointing it out. Pointed, scoffing, the Sucksters  Dear Heather, There are, alas, no Kornheiser family outings. We do have occasional meetings when a family member gets wed, dead, or bar mitzvahed, and the shirts would certainly have been appropriate then. When do they arrive? As I recall, at the last bar mitzvah, my cousin Tony (aka World's Only Jewish Anthony Kornheiser; member of the family who gets paid for being a wiseass Kornheiser) got so busy doing (very, very funny) standup for all the invited guests, he forgot to introduce his son, the bar-mitzvah boy. His wife Karol (aka The saint who puts up with Tony Kornheiser) bore it all resignedly. In passing, let me note the converse of your car alarm issue (which was, to be sure, scarily accurate): There was the time the lady awoke in my bed in the country to complain about "that streetlamp shining through the window." We don't have streetlamps in the country; it turned out to be a full moon. Alan Kornheiser <askornheiser@prodigy.net> No Kornheiser outings, and ladies in your bed? You're even more of a renegade than I thought, Alan. Not nearly resigned enough, Polly Polly, I really think it's time you compose your first manifesto. All quick-witted and ostracized members of society like yourself do it at some ripe point in their lives. My suggestion for this powerful piece is simply an Anti-Story Manifesto. Polly, I can't hear another pointless story. They surround me and they are making me lose faith in the human potential to be remotely interesting and intelligent. I cannot lend an ear to another story about someone's crazy aunt, a bad day at work, this one time in college, on Friday night guess who I saw, my old boyfriend said this, and all other jabbering drivel that you seem to be sensitive to as well. Make them shut up! Write a silencing manifesto! At the least maybe you could just inform your readers that a good story is pithy, saucy, witty, and funny, as opposed to the Dickens-esque humdrum that most people shamelessly blabber and expect others to find interesting. Thanks, Amy in Seattle PS A great way to silence a constant gabber: At the end of her fervent story, when the plot has "climaxed," ask innocently, "And then what happened?" The look of shock on her face is always classic. ("But, but, but how could you not find my little story interesting?") Ooo. Prickly. Polly the cartoon is pithy only because her illustrator insists on it. Polly's human counterpart is far, far less concise and is known to offer monologues shamelessly without either wit or insight for hours on end. She rarely, however, speaks of herself in the third person. Thank the good Lord for small miracles. She rarely thanks the good Lord for anything, small miracles or otherwise. But she does thank the good Lord for patient friends who suffer through her insufferable digressive yarns. On that note, maybe in the future you should try to focus outward, on the needs of others, rather than inward, on your own impatient brain. Either that or smoke more pot. People seem mighty interesting and intelligent when you can barely tell what they're saying. Brimming over with trite advice, endless digressions, illicit suggestions, and many thanks, Polly Berman and Nisbet got nothin' on you! Hey, I may have just been out of touch too long, but in addition to the pleasing slams on the tiny actor in question, there's a heck of an essay in today's Suck. You can dress down as far as you like, of course, but in this case, the potent idea came through (no surprise from Suck) and was actually developed, with key concepts revisited here and there! I know juvenalization — whoops, that would be OK; I meant juvenilization — of our culture is a minor theme in much of what I read in Suck, but today's piece was just too sweeeeeet! Richard Piedmonte <humanmeal@earthlink.net> Dress down as far as I like? Obviously you haven't seen me in my bolero jacket, sheared skirt, and pumps. Thanks for the comparison to Chris Berman, with whom I share a thinning hairline, a middle-aged paunch, and a gift for making up funny names like Darryl Strawberry Fields Forever and Doug Tootie Flutie. But who's this Nisbet? Maybe you mean Nesmith. He was definitely the most talented Monkee. Yr pal, BarTel I do not understand what that was about maybe you just are stuck on a movie why how old are you guys it sounds to me that you are reliving a childhood in which you could have been some kind of a hero or what grow up she is just a child and is doing what she is told she has no real clue to what she is about or what really is going on she is just doing what is told of her the one person to ask what is in her thoughts is jodi foster look at the hell she has gone thru as an actress I am sure if you asked her if she wants her child to be a child actor she would tell you no way I thought you should know this. Kiotee7777 <Kiotee7777@aol.com> The funny thing is that I saw an interview with this little kid and she seemed to have a better command of the English language than you do by avoiding run-on sentences and also with her vocabulary too is more extensive than yours but then maybe you are 8 years old too how old are you anyway it sounds to me that you are just boring us with your sniveling email go away Yr pal, BarTel |
|
||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||
   |
||||||||||||||||||||
 |  |
|||||||||||||||||||
 |   | |||||||||||||||||||
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
![[the fixin'
pixie... ]](/fish/staff/images/emily.gif)
![[Ian
Connelly]](/fish/staff/images/ian.gif){kind=small}
![[Copy Edit]](/fish/staff/images/copyeditors.gif){kind=small}
![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
![[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]](/fish/staff/images/erin.gif){kind=small}
![[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]](/fish/staff/images/brian.gif)