The Fish
for 24 November 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

[Tim Cavanaugh]
Tim Cavanaugh
Special Guest Editor

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin'
pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
& Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather
Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian
Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Erica Gies
&
Merrill Gillaspy

Copy Editors

 

[Phillip Bailey]
Phillip Bailey
Production Editor








	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie
Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude)
Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler
Production Manager
& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte
Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

 

[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]
Brian Forsyth
Production Editor
& Pool Monitor



Filler

Polly,

Yeah, the seven deadly
American sins story is not
unlike the Moose Turd Pie
story. If you aren't
decisive, secure, optimistic,
serious, smelling fresh air,
calm, and unsuspicious about
the pie you're eating, you'll
have to go out and find the
turd the next time. Then
you'll have to move up your
own ass. I hear they love
slick, worthless, nasty
pieces of shit up there.

Smelling roses,

Jeepy

PS Canadians are like the guy
with the smallest dick in the
locker room who keeps saying,
"But ... but ... but ... I'm
captain of the chess team!
I'm the leader of the
badminton team!"

"Yeah, yeah, OK mister
shuttlecock."

Tiger Pounce
<pounceandkiss@yahoo.com>

Hey now. Let's not go and
gang up on the guy with the
smallest dick in the locker
room. I mean, really, who's
keeping track?

Answer: You are.

I may be insecure, but I do
trust the pie. How far will
you get in this life,
spending all your time
second-guessing the pie?

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Polly,

While I bet you thought you
were being funny, Wednesday's
Filler is one of the most
eloquent pieces I've ever
read. Is France as cool as
you made it out to be?
<suicide-machine@
anti-social.com>

That depends on how much you
like titless, creepy,
disaffected types. Hell, I
don't know shit about France.
Veronica's got my number.
Damn, baby girl. Yikes. Ooch.
Zoinks.

Anything but eloquent,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: Better every time

Your work just gets better
and better. You must really
be a sick person! :-)

Farouk Rojas Mustafa
<farouk@ acnet.net>

I must be getting sicker and
sicker every day. Keeping
this job depends on the
dissolution of my mental
health. I wish my friends and
family would be more
supportive about that little
fact. Damn them!

A time to bitch, a time to
blame,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Dear Polly Esther,

Are your Web visitors
panicked about Y2K? Help ease
their millennial fears by
selling them Rolling Stone
and other great magazines
that will take their minds
off of imminent doom! You'll
be able to earn a 15 pecent
commission from now until 1
January. Your site will lose
no traffic. We are Enews.com,
the Internet's largest vendor
of print magazine
subscriptions.

John Kelly
<John.Kelly@enews.com>

Excellent. Online content
used to be king; now it's
just an outlet for selling
print magazines.

If I could sell Web visitors
anything, it would be little
booklets of tips on surviving
in a world made for those
without the capacity for
critical thought. Lord knows
I've been much happier since
I sold my brain up the river.
I'm selling myself out as we
speak, and losing no traffic
in doing so. I'm cleaning my
oven as we speak, and losing
no brain cells in doing so.
What was I saying?

Panicked,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Subject: McSweeneys

Have you made fun of these
smirksters?
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

Andrew Hazlett
<awh@manhattan-institute.org>

Those little pants-crappers
get more good press than
Yahweh. Those whippersnappers
get more positive
word-of-mouth chatter than a
tearful Virgin Mary. Why
should I add to the din? That
earnest little smartass has
slept with half the
devastatingly beautiful women
I know, and I must know about
four devastatingly beautiful
women. Why should I ramp up
his mojo, I ask you? Some
pies have all the luck. Then
again, maybe they'll publish
my crap when Salon kills it.

Smirking but pieless,

Polly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Children of the Corn

Were it even remotely true
that the Midwest is enjoying
a renaissance as a cultural
craphouse, I'd say, "It's
about goddamn time." Lord
knows the folks in
Mississippi need a break. But
two docudramas and a
snickering New Yorker article
do not a trend make. I'll
wager that the South still
registers as the deepest
cultural latrine in the
collective American
conscious. Funny how the
violence, racism, homophobia,
and all-around
anti-intellectualism that we
Southerners have grown
accustomed to spur gasps of
incredulity when viewed
against the placid ennui of
the perceived Midwest, much
like the shock of all that
blood the Coens spilled on
Fargo snow. (And any reference
to the film is conspicuously
absent from this piece.)

Assuming the Midwest truly is
becoming the "new Third
World" (yeah, right), what
the hell is wrong with
kicking around the heartland
for a little while? Beltway
scandal is completely passé
Texans drag their neighbors
behind trucks and barely get
noticed; Laramie is just west
enough to blame its woes on
good old frontier spirit.
What's a maker of culture to
do? If things have gotten so
bad that Lynch has forsaken
archetypal thugs, muscle
cars, and experimental (lack
of) narrative for
simple-minded folk and mowers,
perhaps it really is time to
start digging up corpses in
the cornfields. I'll bring a
shovel.

Brent Buford
<brent@eblox.com>

With all due respect,
Colonel, the South gets all
sorts of wistful cultural
props, thanks to its
high-chivalric heritage, the
Faulknerian legacy of
tortured slavery-guilt, its
wisteria-and-swampland
ambience, its
liquor-brawlin'-and-roadhouse
popular culture, its
Tennessee Williams/Flannery
O'Connor trade in the
literary Gothic and
grotesque. And the
memoirists! Willie Morris,
Rick Bragg, Howell Raines,
Will Campbell ... all a
middle-aged Southern white
guy has to do to get
published is summon an agent
and an editor for a round of
catfish and mint juleps and
start reminiscing about his
mama and his black maid.
(You'll note, by the way,
that two of the
aforementioned
self-mythologizers are also
on The New York Times chuck
wagon — that paper has a
long history of lionizing
professional Southerners of
all stripes.)

As for Fargo, by all means,
throw it in. Monotone Swedish
accents all around; married
couples downing junk food in
bed while they watch
documentaries about the
mating habits of insects; a
cringing, suburban Babbit
gone to seed plotting the
dimwitted kidnapping of his
own wife; a pair of killers
(as in Boys Don't Cry) who
carelessly rain down mayhem
across the flat landscape
without making the slightest
effort to cover their own
tracks; a flabby
house-husband who fills his
time by painting miniature
duck studies for reproduction
as postage stamps. That such
caricatures could get praise
for being knowing and
affectionate send-ups of the
way these people live —
that being the consensus
among film critics at the
time of the movie's release
— speaks volumes about
how uncritically culture
makers have embraced far
worse portrayals of the
creatures of the heartland.
Oh, and the blood wasn't
spilled on Fargo snow; that
was only where the killers
were hired. The action all
occurs around Brainerd. In,
you know, Minnesota.

Holly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 


Perhaps my taste in cinema is
unsophisticated, but what is
your justification for
labeling Silence of the
Lambs
a "two-dimensional"
film whose primary theme is
"witless contempt" for the
Midwest? Regardless of the
critical attention it drew
(Best Picture, Best Actor,
etc.), it was more complex
and intelligent than most
Hollywood films. And besides
that, much of it took place
in Washington, DC.

Ben Mathis-Lilley
<BMathis@fas.harvard.edu>

Ah, Ben, you don't know how
glad I am you asked. While
all the federale intrigue
surrounding Silence of the
Lambs
occurs in and around
Quantico, the twisted,
woman-skinning killer makes
his home in Belvedere, Ohio.
And as the plucky Agent
Starling (an über Yuppie
who makes a tremendous show
of overcoming her backwoods,
white-trash roots) zeroes in
on Buffalo Bill's lair, we
are treated to a full
complement of David
Lynch–oid cultural cues:
a fat old woman leaning
forlornly out a window by the
train tracks, a random
close-up of a wooden Indian
lawn ornament, a victim's dad
who is clearly a lumpen
roué in bad need of a
shave and a score of drinks.
As Starling enters the
victim's room, we see all the
requisite trappings of
forlorn middle-American pop
culture: posters of mediocre
rock stars, Harlequin romance
novels, etc. And as she
stumbles on the hidden cache
of photos that finally helps
her to break the case, Agent
Starling inadvertently breaks
a kitsch ballet dancer
perched atop a music box.
(Then, in a crowning flourish
of contempt, she casually
leaves the compromising
photos out in the open, for
the hapless, drunken pa to
stumble across — not
exactly standard FBI evidence-
gathering protocol, but
tremendously useful to cue
the audience as to the general
worth of the environment that
spawns these maniacal,
sexually deranged sociopaths,
as well as the worth of the
lives of its so-called normal
inhabitants.)

Call me crazy, but I think
all this might be the tiniest
bit symbolic. Still not
convinced? Then check out the
scene in Buffalo Bill's
basement where Starling is
incongruously framed by a map
of the middle section of the
United States. Or the shrilly
didactic American flag
displayed at the violent
envoi to the hideous
small-town compound where
Buffalo Bill indulges his
fantasy life. The Silence of
the Lambs
is indeed a
skillfully made film, but it
revels in every ideological
Hollywood carciature of
"Middle America" — a very
different treatment than
you'll find in the book, by
the way. There, Starling
intensely identifies with
Buffalo Bill's Belvedere
victim, and would never dream
of compromising her memory
for her family the way she
does in the movie.

Holly
 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

 The Shit
Seeing Calvin Coolidge in a Dream, John Derbyshire, St. Martin's Press, 1996
Peekaboo's Masks, 2492 Van Ness Avenue, San Francisco
West Beirut, director Ziad Doueiri, 1999
"The Smartest Cartoonist on Earth," Daniel K. Raeburn, The Imp, Vol. 1/No. 3, 1999
Mad Monster Party, Rankin/Bass Productions, VHS, Deluxo & Black Bear Press, 1967/1999
The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Alan Moore and Kevin O'Neill, America's Best Comics, 1999
Hermenaut No. 15: "The Fake Authenticity Issue," editor Joshua Glenn, summer 1999
Guillow's Sky Streak rubber-powered balsa-wood glider (without landing gear)
Webvan
Very Emergency, Promise Ring, Jade Tree, 1999
Mean Magazine No. 5, summer 1999
Slickaphonics, Replikants, KillRockStars/Rue St. Germaine, 1999
"Cash, Interesting, Summer Holiday", The Young Ones, Foxvideo (BBC Video), 1988
Driver (PSX), GT Interactive, 1999

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