for 1 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
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Filler Subject: Angry Little Squirrel Polly, You guys may have created the Next Big Thing with Angry Little Squirrel. Bigger than Picachu. Bigger than that weird penguin or that robot cat. I have seen the future in Japanese mass marketing, and it's Angry Little Squirrel. I know you're busy making plans for Angry Little Squirrel backpacks, pencil holders, folders, decorative barware, and toilet seat covers, but if you could possibly post a larger, desktop-sized image of Angry Little Squirrel, I would appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Thompson <mthompso@liberate.com> Everyone's got a marketing mind these days, eh? How about the Angry Little Squirrel director of marketing, brimming with big merchandising ideas that never see the light of day? Can you imagine how haunting it must be for some of these cartoonists to see their characters on coffee mugs and desktops everywhere they turn? Haunted all the way to the bank, right? With Sanrio in the world, what could we possibly add? Are questions just a way out of saying what you mean? Feeling squirrelly, Polly  Subject: Bitter Stew Just found your site. It's so funny because it's so true! Thanks for the laugh. Wendy Peng <wpeng@cgocable.net> Its truthfulness makes it pretty unfunny at times. Or "sooo not funny." It is what it is. What can you say? What can you do? Is using the passive voice a passive-aggressive maneuver to avoid "taking responsibility" for one's true funny feelings (funny weird, not funny ha-ha)? Stewing but juiceless, Polly Another Slob Weighs In I would gladly buy one of each of your T-shirts if they were available in white-on- black. Why? Do I think I'm trendy? Am I a Goth? Am I stuck in an '80s punk rut? Well, maybe I am. But the main reason is coffee (and other similar) stains. I'm kind of a slob, and sometimes I get nosebleeds and such, and all my white T-shirts eventually get stained. I can never bleach them back to their original pristine luster. The black T-shirts are just more cost-effective, and there is the heartbreak of losing a beloved T-shirt to the rag pile. Boo Boo Honeypaw <honeypaw@ hotmail.com> Time to clean those sticky paws and grow up, Boo Boo. Let go of your fear and take charge of your life. Love is letting go of fear, Boo Boo. Wearing white means growing up, and growing up can be scary, but it brings a whole new world of joy and satisfaction along with it. Avoiding sloppy joe sandwiches is a relatively small drawback, don't you think? Newly crowned adults who wear white occasionally and sometimes don't even spill on it, the Sucksters Folks, Your T-shirts would sell if you stocked humongous XXL and XXXL sizes. Sedentary Web types are generally tubby as all get out and like their Ts comfortable. I should know. He who won't buy a tiny T, Phil <lawsquare@email.msn.com> So you're saying all our readers are big, fat slobs. Hey, that's fine. We'll start selling massive tunics and blazers in slimming colors. Supply, demand ... it's the way of things. Bony but filled with empathy, insofar as empathy pays, the Sucksters Hit & Run Subject: Taco Bell standard "... and the papers were graded by me, who at the time was making the equivalent of a Taco Bell salary." I was surprised to discover that someone else actually judges their economic well-being on the Taco Bell standard. The current consensus amongst those of us working in sort of high-tech fields is that we're doing almost as well as a Taco Bell night-shift manager — stalled after having surpassed "certified crew member" and "team leader" in rapid succession. Of course, since we invented the standard some years ago, he's likely plagiarizing us. However, I'd hate to subject someone to citing a group cliché, so I'll let him off easy. Erik <dr.feinstein@mail.utexas.edu> Come now. How can you possibly quantify all that free food? How can you possibly put a numeric value on all those dizzying combinations of beans, meat, and cheese, night after night, like an old familiar friend with a limited yet fabulously versatile wardrobe? Some things money can't buy, buddy. Made of meat, the Sucksters I have to ask, how do you guys manage to pull off writing like that? It seems so well thought out but jumbled that at times I'm not sure if I'm reading something that is utlimately profound or just scribbled notes and mutterings. Regardless, I've enjoyed reading a lot of what you guys have had to say. Keep up the good work! Gregory Sterling USG <sterling@hunch.zk3.dec.com> Scribbled notes and mutterings, ho ho ho. Our profundity is eluding you, eh? You must be really, really stupid, because what appears to be random, thoughtless crap to you is meticulously mapped-out, erudite, lucid brilliance. Ho ho. The key to pulling it off is believing that your combo burrito is filled with filet mignon and not DelMeat. Cultivating delusions is a way of life. A good one. Get with the program, buddy. Meaty and deliciously deluded, the Sucksters ADVERTISING IN OUR SCHOOLS: A Suck Insider special report Subject: SVT Cobra Deft, brilliant handling of an important issue. Thanks. Eric <corpstratcom@cantv.net> Speaking of deft, brilliant handling, have you taken a test-drive in an SVT Ford Cobra yet? You wouldn't believe how it corners! Huck Subject: Re: "Suck Insider Special Report" Full kudos, hurrahs, and yeehaws on today's Suck piece! Truly amazing work. Addressed about 15 social idiocies in nine panels! Who's da wo/man? You da wo/man! Stunning! <James.Wisdom@gecapital.com> You must have gotten the enhanced version. I only remember writing eight pages and addressing about two or three social idiocies. But I'm always willing to take more credit than I'm due, so thanks! Best, St. Huck Subject: Yer Wrong It's actually a lot safer to be in a Ford Explorer. SOHC six-cyl engine, handles like a sports car, and in a tête- à-tête with a Mustang, I'll always win! Bottom line of traffic safety: The bigger, heavier car wins! And as far as advertising in schools goes, if the porno Web sites advertised in my high school, I would have cut class much less. <me@davidtuchman.com> David, In a traffic accident, nobody wins. St. Huck |
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