for 17 December 1999. Updated every WEEKDAY.
|
|
Most Excellent Rumors HEY! That's not fair. You have to tell us which of the "rumors" are true and which are false. I don't want to go on eating rectified cow lips if I don't have to. Please. Rob Schulz Honolulu, Hawaii HEY!! yourself. Quit hollering, Hawaii, you're on the mainland now. The truth about rumors is that they are all always reliable. That's how we know Courtney killed Kurt, Morrisey was a gay celibate, and Parker Lutz was voted cutest girl in her junior high. DJ Abe  We thought we should spread the rumor that there is a new Nantucket–Long Island triangle, and that is why so many planes are going down on the Northeast Coast. Have you heard anything about ships yet? Charlotte <charlot@panix.com> I'm sure with global warming that the water off Nantucket averages about the same temperature as Bermuda during the 1970s, so sure. What's more, there is a mysterious Canadian-German Air Force Base in Coos Bay, Newfoundland (I crash-landed there once), and they play a lot of AC/DC on the radio in Cape Cod. Canuck-Nazi conspiracy, or Bon Scott voodoo? You decide. DJ Abe Whats up, Mr. DJ? Great article, but I can't tell the difference between the truth and the fabrication. (I'm probably just getting to the point where I'll believe anything negative sounding associated with major corporations.) Meanwhile, I just wanted to tell you that your nom de plume made me laugh so hard that root beer came out my nose. Sincerely, DJ Honkylips Wow. If you've got any potato chips up there, I'll take a bag of salt & vinegar. DJ Abe I need to know which of those stories might possibly be true. I am very freaked out right now. Thanks for your help. <JRinaldi@POLYCELLO.com> Brace yourself. They all might possibly be true. DJ Abe Norman Conquest I've also heard that in addition to owning one of the most impressive gun collections in Hollywood, Steven Spielberg is supposed to be the No. 1 private collector of Rockwell in the world. National Lampoon once printed a fumetti of Rockwell claiming his paintings were actually done by his brother George Lincoln, which isn't funny anymore, because today it has to be explained that George Lincoln Rockwell was the founder of the American Nazi Party (he was played by Brando in a cameo in the TV miniseries Roots). <regisgoat@earthlink.net> Spielberg definitely has some Rockwells, and it seems plausible that the man behind Schindler's List and An American Tail: Fievel Goes West would be foremost among Norman's collectors. Fumetti, fumetti ... does this have anything to do with dragon turds? Ersatz Most Excellent Rumors Also, Pringles give you loose stools. Trust me, I know. >:-) <rr0984@cnsvax.albany.edu> Well, those things were developed by captive Japanese-American scientists in internment camps during World War II. I'm guessing the typical Japanese diet includes a much lower fiber intake than yours. DJ Abe The Dutch are not Scandinavian. Get it straight. <Scott.Dolan@standardregister.com> That's what's wrong with our Eurocentric society today — too much is made of petty differences. Though separate countries, Dutch and Scandinavia are actually very near one another, and they do sell Mentos in the latter, even to minors. DJ Abe Subject: KFC Although the other "rumors" are quite correct and have been begging for the light of day, your revelation about the Colonel's chicken flock is terribly flawed. Upon opening a bucket of clucker pieces, discerning customers have always noticed there are body parts contained therein which have no resemblance to the wings, legs, thighs, and breasts sold by Frank Perdue or the folks down on the Holly Farms. The reason for this confusing difference, my aspersion- casting friend, is that the Colonel's chickens do, in fact, have anuses. During John Y.'s quest to cut costs, he discovered the ultimate timesaving method for butchering barnyard fowl. Mr. Brown ordered that the technique be included in the supplier's confidential SOP manual, and it has been as jealously guarded as the herbs/spices recipe. At great personal risk, I am forwarding it to you: "1. Catch chicken by one foot. 2. Grab tail and locate anus. 3. Insert one standard M-80 in anus, light fuse, and release chicken. 4. Bread and cook all pieces that can be located after detonation. Warning customers of gas, oily discharge, and immediate need to defecate after consumption is not required as stated in Reed v. Dunkin Donuts, USCC 7, 3269, 1966." Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, gunpowder is one of the 11 herbs and spices. Cowboy <hdcowboy@mail.cvn.net> Oops! I was talking about Kentucky Fried Chicken. DJ Abe |
|
||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||
   |
||||||||||||||||||||
 |  |
|||||||||||||||||||
 |   | |||||||||||||||||||
![[Tim Cavanaugh]](/fish/staff/images/tim.gif)
![[Copy Edit]](/fish/staff/images/copyeditors.gif){kind=small}
![[Phillip Bailey]](/fish/staff/images/phil.gif){kind=small}
![[yes, it's
a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]](/fish/staff/images/erin.gif){kind=small}
![[Brian
Forsyth, " we're just spanning time "]](/fish/staff/images/brian.gif)
![[the fixin'
pixie... ]](/fish/staff/images/emily.gif)
![[Ian
Connelly]](/fish/staff/images/ian.gif){kind=small}